a nation in waiting...for what?

Was browsing through my old emails and found this one I wrote to my family when I had just ended my work overseas (Europe) and in the midst of travelling around before going home to Jakarta.
I still remember how upset I was when I wrote it.
I wonder if anyone can relate to this...

[mind you it was a personal letter, so do disregard any sentiments to the words chosen. Thanks]

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----- Original Message -----
From: [...]
To: [...]
Cc: [...]
Sent: Friday, October 18, 2002 5:05 PM
Subject: Being an Indonesian-just a thought

Dear all,

I've ended my contract in [X], a well known international organization, and have now returned to my status as a 'normal' Indonesian citizen. Only one word comes to my mind right now.....its very difficult.

I wonder what went wrong when we started the nation, or did something happen along the process? Or, maybe....nothing happened over the past 57 years?

When I plan trips with friends, I must reconsider them just because I'm an Indonesian. I want to find better opportunities and must think a thousand times, just because I'm Indonesian. I carry a green passport which says 'Republik Indonesia' in the front, and I feel it doesn't worth much.

I don't remember making any bombs in New York, neither in Bali. But it seems that people in foreign consulates think that they know me much better than my self. They say I'm dangerous. I wonder why...

I remember in elementary school, when the teachers said that I live in a safe place, surrounded by many continents. They also said that we have many friends. Why don't I see that anymore? Shouldn't things become better by time? Why is it that I feel like I was in some fairytale dream and that I've woken up and see all the chaotic unreasonable things happening in an environment I was so familiar with?

I wonder if there will ever be a time when things will come back to normal. Or is this actually normal?

confusedly yours,

Y.
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-moenlite-
[funny how one looks back and sees....]

*picture:
Nation in Transition