lanes of the fast

A delayed blog.

I learned a very special lesson the other day. It was about a practice I’ve been observing ever since childhood. Not something imposed on me, but it grew in me so naturally, that it risked being taken for granted.
It was about fasting during Ramadhan.

Some days ago, there were some conversations among my classmates regarding this particular activity, as most of them were not from places where such practices were commonly found, and neither was it here. Questions arose on to how can anyone simply not eat or drink for 13 straight hours (which varies from place to place).
This for me, was one of those issues that I knew the answer by heart but was not sure how to go about explaining it. So our friend who was also fasting, responded, that ‘Its all in the mind’, and that ‘One never knows the capacity of a human being’.

So afterwards, I came up to him and asked another question that someone had asked me earlier.

“Hmmm what exactly is the meaning of fasting”
(yes, it must have sounded like a very silly thing to ask him, but I thought hey, when you get to meet someone with insights, might as well seize the moment :)

“Well, fasting is about controlling your senses. The biggest problem with us human beings is that sometimes we let our senses control us. We give in to our hunger, our thirst, our anger, our passion; and conduct according to what our body wants us to. So this is the time for us to take control.”

And by that my friends, I was stunned. Well, I have heard the 'sense'-part before, but not in such a ‘concise yet simple’ way. Thinking that in the past days I had been feeling a bit too sorry for myself, making excuses (to myself) to cut down on my normal routines, be it exercising, studying, cleaning the house, and so on. Yes, I was not dying, but it just felt easy to feel you can get away with slacking off, and have such a nice reason, you were fasting :)

We then went about discussing how some people would try to ‘manage their day’ by sleeping the whole afternoon (you’d think they were hibernating :P) and only do their main activities after sunset. Well, it might sound like a good plan, that you can manage to ‘get away’ with the fasting and all, and save you from any possible feeling of hunger or thirst (interestingly, you'd actually feel sooo much hungrier after doing so). So I think, in the spirit of 'learning' you might as well indulge in the lesson and pass the test. It’s like really reading your Shakespeare and not take shortcuts through 'Cliffnotes' or DVD renting.

Of course, there will be adjustments in your daily routines, but hey, that’s how life is, isn’t it? Its just like the day after you decide to buy that really nice yet expensive dress or (and?) its matching shoes (yes, it was on a 10% discount, so you were saving, weren't you?); then when you realize you’re broke, you’d simply adjust. Yes, no more daily Starbucks for a while, you start thinking about bringing lunch from home, taking the bus instead of a cab and so on. So, just like any other action you make in your life, fasting is all about making adjustments and using time management. You know, like deciding not to jog right after dawn but maybe do it near dusk (unless you’re the sports freak type, which I am not :P) And when you know you have to wake up early morning (middle of the night to be precise :), you plan ahead and finish your tasks wiser so that you can sleap earlier at night, and so on.

This also made me reflect on a lesson from my 'Negotiation and Conflict Mgt' class, about perceptions (well, it was mainly about how one must try to overlook the way they might perceive their opponents when doing negotiations). I believe that perception plays a big role, as it can significantly affect the way you make judgments on others without realizing it. But I've also come to realize that it’s not only about how you perceive others, but also how you perceive yourself; your biggest enemy.

If you think you’re weak, then you will be weak.
And if you think you’re strong, well most likely, you’ll get that energy, even if it's only in your mind.
Which I would say is where you get real power.

Just a thought.
-moenlite-

melodies in the light

the day was still very young
the morning wind was still blowing strong
and this song suddenly came to my mind....

Crash and Burn
Savage Garden

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone


as this song has never failed to put me back in place, not even once :)
-moenlite-

[tunes]

on dreamy days

terbetik sebuah rencana
dan ia tersenyum
sungging di bibir bukan lantaran suka
tapi lebih karena gelitik, setengah tak percaya

apa iya dunia fana
sudah dapat menebak asa
akan hati yang tlah lelah
mengejar dan terkecoh
oleh fatamorgana bahagia

namun masih tersisa
sedikit sudut jiwa nya
yang tetap merindu
akan cinta

harap bertumpuk
cemas mengiring
apa mungkin kali ini
bukan hayalan
tapi sudah berupa jawaban

............
hanya Tuhan yang tahu.


-mooenlite-
playing in the clouds...

[shades]

souls in motion

pictures are taken
by those that see

though they do not notice
that such do not freeze
to the moment of the day

but dances to the rhythm of the sun
the shades of the moon
the whispers of the fall
and to the mix of them all

as these pictures are merely portraits
of what had been
and not really
of what may

-moenlite-
to all the dancing spirits out there...

[shades]

in the middle of the mist

its because
to see,
you don't look
but you feel...

and to hear,
you don't listen
but you understand...

and to say,
you don't speak
but you care...

its that you shut your eyes, ears and stay silent
and leave the heart do all the rest

and that is why the sun has risen from within my soul

-moenlite-

[shades]

irregular beats

A junior of mine from college casually asked me over MSN and I quote: “Isn’t your mother worried, that you’re 26, pursuing your dreams and not married yet?”

I must say it totally shocked me. Well, not only did I not expect such a question from someone I’m not that close with, but moreover because such an idea had not ever crossed my mind. However, the answer was clearly there, “No, why should my mom worry?”.

Its funny that sometimes ‘getting married’ would seem like the ultimate goal in life, especially if you come from a communal society where people know other people’s business and sort of keep track of it in their agendas. Okay, I must admit, questions have been asked, and I must be a fool to admit that I always assumed it was just small talk? Though I suppose they’d be more worried if I had rushed into anything of the sort, and then suffer...which of course defeats the purpose of ‘living happily ever after’, right?

I mean, okay...fine, you get married, then what? You’re supposed to enjoy the rest of your life (yes, it is supposed to be for that long) patting your back saying “Congratulations, you’ve reached it?”
No, I think there’s more to it than that.

I believe (yes, though not from personal experience) that life goes on after you’re married. Either you decide to concentrate fully on your family, or manage both a family and a career; life doesn’t simply stop just because you've found the love of your life.

Yes, we were told that Cinderella and her Prince Charming had ‘lived happily ever after’. But should we keep being shortsighted and stay aloof of what happens afterwards?

My best best friend got married recently, and I must say it was pretty much a jaw-dropping experience watching them unite in matrimony...they were just the perfect couple. I had witnessed the making of the beautifully laid plans of their wedding and though I could not make it for the reception, saw the video of the ceremony, and was deeply touched.

And now afterwards, are they supposed to simply be reminiscing their wedding day over and over again? Well, you know what? They continued being normal people and continued their lives, of course now adding each other as a higher stakeholder and all.

Now, I might risk to be called old-fashioned and naive, but if you’re still waiting to find that special someone, don’t you think it’s pretty reasonable that you continue your life and perhaps ‘Pause’ when it happens, and then simply press ‘Play’ again afterwards?

What do you think?

-moenlite-

picture:
"Rhythmic Composition in Yellow Green Minor."
Roy De Maistre, 1919, Art Gallery of New South Wales.

tertumpu awan

rintik hujan dan aku terpana
mata menerawang
menembus embun beningnya

jauh...jauh...
tak ter pandang
tak ter lihat
tak ter pegang

tapi kenapa terasa ada
begitu dekatnya...hingga mengherankan
meliputi
menggenggami
menjajahi...hati

-moenlite-
tak tergenggam tapi terasa

[shades]

just a phone call away

“Mom, I heard you're sick…”
“Yes….”
“How? ….hmmm Why? …hmmm Are you alright?.....”

Its these unclear questions I was asking my mom as I was calling her this morning to say hi, and was told by my brother that she wasn’t very well this morning.
My questions must have seemed pretty out of place, since you don’t really know why you had a stomachache or a cold or anything else, right?... But I guess what I wasn’t explicitly saying and I think she sensed was…”Mom, I’m very worried…”




You live far away from home. You don’t really get to go to her side, rub some Vicks on her, get her some tea, put a blanket over her and rub her feet. No, you just get unclear messages and the voice of your worried brother that your call might as well be bothering her resting.

Okay, it might not be pretty major, nothing to worry about. My family is there. It’ll be over the next day or perhaps even in a couple of hours. But still I just can’t help it.
I felt hopeless.

I remember some years ago, when I was living yet in another country thousands of miles away from this part of the world, and got some unclear messages that my grandmother was ill. Nyak Syik was staying with my uncle’s at that point (she moves around cities as she pleases, and I admire her strength for someone of that age), and everyone was giving me different news. One of my brothers told me, “Yeah, Mom’s gone over to Cek Lah’s cause Nyak Syik is ill, and I hear they’ve brought her to the hospital…” Very casually, yet BAMM...I froze.
It must have been pretty serious, my grandmother hates hospitals. When I called my mother, “No, its fine, everything is okay...we’ve brought her home.” And when I got my other brother on the line I was told, ‘Yeah, we’re just waiting for news whether Dad and I should come over there, I think her condition is deteriorating...” Now how would you’ve reacted?
But, Alhamdulillah everything was fine with Nyak Syik, she’d refused to eat for some reason, but my uncle-the genius had managed to persuade her to eat after checking her at the local hospital. Now how was I to know this?

It had frightened me to death. You know, all that insecure-ness perhaps of living far away and getting scrambled messages from home. Those at home thinking its best not to give all information, though (of course some) would add bits and pieces when you insist, just enough bits that make your mind go from one disease to another.
Yes, I know it’s because they care. Still you want to know every detail, not only to figure out whether you should get the fastest flight home or not, but to at least make sure there’s someone’s there by her side to rub some Vicks on her, make her some tea, and put a blanket over her and run her feet.
I know they’d do that, but I just wanted to be sure.

-moenlite-

parts of me

Perhaps I can tell you the tale of my life
How all are there and construct these sights you see of me
And all that I pray for when night falls to sleep

Of father and mother and brothers I have
My new found sisters, who’ve become new delights in my days
and not to mention their children who have brought unspoken joy to our lives
………



My tale is a simple one.
I’m the youngest of 4. The only daughter. Bet you’re going to say I must have been spoiled. Well, not exactly :)
My parents’ lives were built and filled with struggling tales, and its these values that they’ve always pass on to us.
I believe it’s worked out pretty much, as we really do put tales of struggle in our highest admiration and make the quest to do our own. Because their tales are theirs and we are here to make our own.

Now us 4 siblings are pretty much alike. You can say we’re divided in to two-s, well at least this is how I’d explain it when I was little.
Two are darker the other two are fairer. Two are a bit wiser in terms of the heart, while the other two are not (am not going to tell you which different two-s these are :)
Two are married and two are not. Those married ones now have sons.
And my nephews have taken place the softest part of my heart.

My parents.
Hmmm, surprisingly are still very much crazy about each other (I never did appreciate this when I was younger). They’re really supportive to one another and somehow you can see that they keep the highest admiration for each other.
They’d go out and have these little trips together. No not those very fancy ones. Just trips to get some groceries, trying new places to eat, buying fruits around the corner. Its just like those that have just recently found each other, though my parents have spent like decades together. I wish I can have such stories for my kids to tell...maybe one day, maybe I might.

My nephews. One is 2 years old and one is 7 months old. The elder one is in Jakarta and the younger in Manila. Yes, these are from different brothers :)
Besides them, I also have 2 other ones that call me Auntie. But both of them are now in Houston, whose parents are my cousins.

Now my sister in laws are pretty much my age. And we get along very well, yup very well indeed. I have considered their families as my own, and I think its just wonderful how your sense of family grows that way. I feel blessed.

I also have friends that I grew up with. Not necessarily side by side, but those that know and share the history of my life. They are of 3 siblings that are all females, and I feel that somehow they have been my sisters.
Our mothers are friends and so are our dads. I’ve really appreciated and feel so blessed to have them in my life.

And of course there are those counsins, friends, and all that have brought so much in my life, and to those I am grateful for adding such colours in me.

I think you would need an army to go through life and take all challenges in sight.
Yes, you need an army of love.

And I feel so blessed to have mine.

Cheers!

-moenlite-