in reminiscence...

Have you ever miss someone so greatly?
Have you ever missed something so much, yet know that you’ll never see it again?
Have you ever missed that one moment or random moments in your life and think…if only you could re-live them one more time?
That’s what I’m feeling right now.

For ‘God knows what reasons’ I’m terribly missing my family, my past and whole life that I’ve gone through; and at the same time fear for not knowing what the future will bring.

Perhaps it’s this unknown-future that has led me to have this unreasonable big missing feeling. Yet, simultaneously feeling terribly (and I do mean terribly) happy for all these loved ones of mine who are going through what they are going through now.

All my brothers have found their soul mates, and are building their own families (and of course, I can claim some ‘ownership’ on all three ;).
My parents are, as always, as happy as can be. My kid-friend, I bet, is extremely excited to the fact that she will be roaming a ‘new life’, traveling and meeting people from all sorts of walks of life. I’ll be meeting her tomorrow.
A friend of mine just called me the other day, and told me his current placement in Europe and his plans to pursue some other dreams, I wish him luck. My classmates are all looking forward to going home, being reunited with their families (many already have children in fact) and going back to their previous (yet of course now with ‘more experience and exposure) lives.
I know I wrote something like this before, but I guess its this ‘missing feeling’ that I didn’t really realize before.

I had just finalized the revisions of my thesis, and as usual, end it with a note of acknowledgement to be put within the first pages. Yes, of course I put in my formal thank-you-s to the School, my Professors, Resource people , etc...(yes, of course I meant each and every line :). But I did nearly overload this particular section with all the names that started to pop up in mind as I was writing it.
Well, life can indeed be very funny sometimes. Its like, overtime you see a tree grow, and perhaps the tree knows it has grown. But the tree can’t deny that it might not have known exactly when and by how much it grew every single second. The inches just appeared without it really realizing it.

So here I am, thinking back at my past, not really feeling that it was so long ago. Sometimes I can really still feel that sense of being 8, 10, 12, 15, 20 (17-20 a bit blurry :P) and before I know it...here I am, being in a position to ‘look back’.
No, I don’t feel old, of course not. There is still so so sooo much to learn.

All I know is that I feel blessed for all that I’ve been through and learned from.
I am sure that I have not mastered every lesson that I should have taken back by every experience, but I am optimistic that these things will reflect on me whenever I need to look back and think ‘yes, now I know...’

Here’s to all those beautiful spirits out there, who’ve taught me so much, even in unthinkable ways. Thank you for coloring my life.

-moenlite-
[getting mushy all of a sudden :)...]

*picture:
‘The Tree of Life - Stoclet Frieze’, by Gustav Klimt